TL;DR
A BIFF response (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) is the standard framework for replying to high-conflict co-parenting messages without escalating. Seven steps, ten minutes, no special tools needed.
Last updated: May 16, 2026
How to Write a BIFF Response to a High-Conflict Co-Parent
By Marc Aaron Jacobs, Founder · 10 minutes
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It was developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute and is the gold-standard framework for written communication with high-conflict people. This guide walks through how to write one, step by step, with a worked example at the end.
The seven steps
- 1
Wait at least 30 minutes before responding
Your first reaction is almost never your best response. Save the message, walk away, and come back when you can read it without your heart rate spiking. The fact that you are reading this guide means you are doing this right.
- 2
Identify what they actually need from you
Strip away the tone, the accusations, and the manipulation. What is the underlying logistical question? Often there is none — the message is purely emotional bait. If there is no real question, you may not need to respond at all.
- 3
Write a Brief reply
Two to four sentences maximum. Long replies invite long counter-replies. They also make you look as escalated as the other person. Short is calm. Short reads as confident on the court record.
- 4
Make it Informative
Stick to facts. State your position or answer the logistical question. Do not justify, explain at length, or argue back. "I will pick up Sam at 5pm Friday" is informative. "I am picking up Sam at 5pm Friday and I think it is unfair that you keep changing the time" is not.
- 5
Keep it Friendly in tone
Not warm, not sarcastic. Neutral. A polite professional voice. Greet them by name if your normal pattern is to do so. Sign off in your usual way. Friendly tone makes them look unreasonable if they escalate.
- 6
End Firm
Do not invite a debate. Do not ask "what do you think?" Do not say "let me know if that works." State your position and stop. If they want to negotiate, they can come back with a specific proposal.
- 7
Re-read for hooks before sending
Read your draft one more time. Cross out any sentence that is defensive, explanatory, or emotionally loaded. Anything that gives them a hook to grab and pull you back into the argument. When in doubt, cut it.
Worked example
Their message
“I cannot believe you would do this to the kids again. You always make it about you. They asked me last night why their dad doesn't care about being on time. I told them the truth. We were supposed to do the swap at 5 and you texted at 4:47. That is unacceptable. Either you respect the schedule or we go back to court.”
A BIFF response
“Hi Pat. Traffic on the 101 was heavier than usual yesterday. I let you know as soon as I had a reasonable estimate. I'll plan to leave 15 minutes earlier for Friday's pickup. Talk soon. — Marc”
Why it works
- Brief: three sentences.
- Informative: reason + concrete fix for next time.
- Friendly: name, sign-off, neutral tone.
- Firm: no apology, no defending the kids'-comment hook, no court-threat engagement, no invitation to debate.
Common BIFF mistakes
- Apologizing for things you didn't do, to keep the peace. This trains escalation.
- Defending against accusations point by point. Even one rebuttal pulls you back into the fight.
- Adding “just to be clear” or “for the record” — sounds professional but reads as combative.
- Asking “what do you think?” or “is that okay?” at the end. You just gave them another move.
- Sending in the first hour. Always wait.
When BIFF isn't enough
BIFF works for most high-conflict messaging. It does not work for messages that contain threats of harm, child endangerment, or legal demands that require an attorney response. For those, contact an attorney before replying.
For messages that fall into the grey zone, the Two Paths Message Decoder will analyze the message, identify manipulation tactics like DARVO, and draft a BIFF response for you to edit. A written review from Cindy Weathers, LMFT adds a real human expert for $19.99 per situation.