Melissa Divaris Thompson on Attachment After Divorce

The Short Answer

Melissa Divaris Thompson, founder of Embracing Joy Psychotherapy, is one of the most-followed couples therapists on Instagram. Her work on attachment styles, relationship red flags, and the moments couples quietly disconnect applies directly to divorced parents who are now dating, healing, or trying to build a healthier next relationship. The marriage you just left taught your nervous system patterns that will shape the next one, unless you do the attachment work between relationships.

Key Takeaways

• Melissa Divaris Thompson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Embracing Joy Psychotherapy, with over 500,000 Instagram followers.
• Her central thesis is that attachment patterns formed in childhood determine who you choose, how you fight, and how you disconnect from a partner.
• Divorced parents often recreate the same attachment dynamic in their next relationship if they have not done the work in between.
• The most important attachment work happens in the gap between relationships, not inside a new one.
• Co-parents who heal their own attachment patterns model healthier relationships for their kids, even in the post-divorce structure.

Reviewed and written by Cindy Weathers, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Two Paths. Cindy specializes in high conflict divorce, co-parenting after betrayal, and helping separated parents build functional partnerships for the sake of their children.

Melissa Divaris Thompson is one of the clearer voices I follow on couples work in the modern therapy space. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the founder of Embracing Joy Psychotherapy, and she runs a large educational presence on Instagram teaching attachment theory, relationship dynamics, and what couples therapy actually looks like in practice.

Most of her content is aimed at couples. But the most useful parts of her work for divorced parents are the ones she does not always frame this way. Her attachment work is exactly what you need between relationships, not just inside them.

Let me walk you through what that means.

Why Attachment Matters More After Divorce, Not Less

When most people think about attachment in their love life, they think about their current relationship.

Divorced parents have a different relationship to attachment. You are in the in between. You have just left a marriage that probably activated your attachment wounds for years. You are now co-parenting with the person who triggered them. And you may be dating again, starting to feel attached to someone new, with no recovery period from the last attachment system collapsing.

Melissa's work, taken seriously, suggests that this in-between is the most important attachment moment of your adult life. Not because you are in crisis. Because you are at a choice point.

The same attachment patterns that shaped your marriage are still shaping you. You will choose your next partner through the same lens. You will fight with them the same way. You will disconnect from them the same way, unless you have done the work to notice the pattern.

What Attachment Style Looks Like in Choosing Your Next Partner

Here is where Melissa's work gets most useful for divorced parents.

If you have anxious attachment, you tend to be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, because their unavailability activates the chase pattern your nervous system learned to associate with love. Most anxious people, after divorcing an avoidant partner, accidentally find another avoidant. The pull feels electric. It is the same dynamic in a new package.

If you have avoidant attachment, you tend to be drawn to partners who are emotionally pursuing, because their pursuit allows you to maintain your distance position. You feel chosen without having to be vulnerable. You will likely find another anxious partner, just as you did in your marriage.

If you have disorganized attachment, you may swing between extremes. You may chase emotionally unavailable partners, then panic when they become available. You may pursue someone, then need space the moment they reciprocate. The pattern is more chaotic, but it is still a pattern.

The painful truth Melissa teaches is that most people, without doing the work, recreate the same dynamic with a new face. The marriage was not the problem. The pattern was. And the pattern is portable.

The Moments Couples Quietly Disconnect

One of Melissa's most useful frameworks, in my experience using it with clients, is her work on the small moments couples disconnect. Not the big fights. The micro-disconnections.

She names a few that I see repeatedly in pre-divorce marriages.

Bids for connection that go unanswered. Your partner says something small, your phone is more interesting, you do not look up. This happens 50 times a day in struggling marriages. Each one is a tiny disconnection. Over years, they compound into "we drifted apart."

Repair attempts that go unrecognized. During a fight, your partner makes a small move toward repair. A joke. A softening. A hand reaching out. You miss it because you are still in the fight. The repair window closes. The fight escalates.

Vulnerability that gets dismissed. Your partner expresses a fear or a need. You respond with logic, with a fix, with reassurance that lands flat. They learn not to be vulnerable with you. The intimacy fades.

For divorced parents, these are useful to recognize for two reasons. First, you can identify the pattern that contributed to your marriage ending. Second, you can be vigilant about the same patterns repeating in your next relationship.

Why This Matters for Co-Parenting

You may be wondering what this has to do with co-parenting. Here is the answer.

The version of you that shows up to handoff with your ex, the version of you that responds to their texts, the version of you that survives the holiday schedule negotiations is shaped by the same attachment system that shaped your marriage.

If you have anxious attachment, you will keep trying to get closure, validation, or apology from your ex that they cannot give. The attachment system is still seeking what it sought in the marriage.

If you have avoidant attachment, you will keep withdrawing from logistics conversations, missing key information, and making your ex feel like they are pulling teeth. The attachment system is still doing what it did in the marriage.

Melissa's work, applied to co-parenting, is this. Your attachment style is not just about romantic love. It is about how you regulate connection with anyone you have ever been attached to. Including the person you used to be married to.

The Work to Do in the Gap Between Relationships

If you have just divorced and are not yet dating, this is the most important attachment moment you have.

Most people rush. They feel lonely, they feel rejected, they feel like the next relationship will heal what the last one broke. So they jump.

Melissa, and most attachment researchers, would say the same thing. The gap is the work. The gap is where you actually rewire the pattern. Once you are in a new relationship, the pattern reactivates and overrides the insight.

Practical things to do in the gap.

Identify your attachment style honestly. Take an attachment quiz. Read your old text messages with your ex. Look at the times you got most activated. Notice what you reached for or pulled away from.

Notice your patterns in non-romantic relationships. With friends. With family. With coworkers. Your attachment style shows up everywhere, not just in love. The patterns are easier to see when there is less at stake.

Work with a therapist who specializes in attachment. Not all therapists are attachment focused. The difference matters. Our LMFT co-parenting support team includes therapists trained in attachment work specifically.

Resist the pull of the familiar. If a new person feels electric and immediate, that is often the old pattern recognizing a match. Slow down. The pull is information, but it is not always information you should follow.

When You Are Already Dating Again

If you are already in a new relationship, the work shifts but does not stop.

Start noticing the moments when you and your new partner disconnect. The bids for connection that get missed. The repair attempts that close before being recognized. The vulnerability that goes unmet.

Then notice whether this looks like the dynamic that ended your marriage.

If yes, this is information. Not a death sentence for the new relationship. But information that the pattern is repeating, and that you have a choice about whether to interrupt it now or wait until it has done more damage.

The kids piece matters too. If you have a serious new partner, eventually that person will be in your kids' lives. The attachment dynamic between you and your new partner is the model your kids will absorb for what adult love looks like. Make sure it is a model you would want them to copy.

The Bottom Line

Melissa Divaris Thompson's work, applied to divorced parents, is most useful when you are not in a new relationship yet.

The gap between marriages is the work. The patterns that ended your marriage are still active. They are shaping your co-parenting now, and they will shape your next relationship the moment you let yourself fall.

The way to break the cycle is not to find a better person. It is to do the attachment work in the in between, so that when you do find a new person, you can show up differently.

If you are struggling specifically with how your attachment style is making co-parenting harder, our guide on parallel parenting gives you the structural protection while you do the inner work.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who is Melissa Divaris Thompson?

Melissa Divaris Thompson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York. She is the founder of Embracing Joy Psychotherapy and runs one of the larger couples therapy accounts on Instagram, with over 500,000 followers. She specializes in attachment, couples work, and the small relational patterns that lead to either deeper connection or eventual divorce.

What is the most important thing to know about attachment after divorce?

That the pattern that contributed to your divorce is still active. It did not leave with the marriage. It is shaping how you co-parent, how you date, how you handle stress with people you care about. Most divorced parents who do not do the attachment work between relationships find themselves in a new version of the same dynamic within a few years.

Should I take an attachment style quiz?

A quiz is a useful starting point, but it is not the full picture. The most accurate way to assess your attachment style is to look at your behavior in the most stressful moments of your past relationships. How did you respond when your partner was unavailable? How did you respond when they were too close? Therapy with an attachment focused clinician gives you the clearest assessment.

How long should I wait to date after divorce?

There is no universal timeline. But most attachment focused therapists, including in my own practice, recommend at least a year of conscious singleness if you are open to doing real attachment work. The work happens in the gap. Once you are in a new relationship, the system reactivates and the patterns override the insight. A year is not magic. It is the rough timeline most people need to identify their patterns and start interrupting them.

Can a new partner heal my attachment wounds?

A secure partner can support your healing, but they cannot do the healing for you. This is one of the most common misunderstandings I see in dating-after-divorce. People hope the new person will be "different enough" that the old patterns will not show up. They always show up. The healing is your job, and the new partner is at best a calmer environment in which to do it.

What are micro-disconnections?

Micro-disconnections are the small moments couples drift apart. Not big fights. Tiny moments where one partner makes a bid for attention and the other partner does not respond. Where one tries to repair a small rupture and the other does not notice. Where vulnerability is met with dismissiveness. Over months and years, these tiny moments accumulate into the feeling of "we have grown apart."

Does Melissa Divaris Thompson work with divorced clients?

Yes. While her public content focuses largely on couples, her practice and her teachings apply to anyone navigating attachment patterns, including divorced people, blended families, and co-parenting situations. Her work on attachment styles and relationship dynamics is broadly applicable across life stages.