Dr. Tori Eletto on Attachment in Co-Parenting

The Short Answer

Dr. Tori Eletto, known on Instagram as @NYTherapist, teaches a practical, evidence based version of attachment theory that applies directly to co-parenting after divorce. Your attachment style shaped how you handled conflict in your marriage, and it is still shaping how you co-parent now. Anxious co-parents over-text and over-monitor. Avoidant co-parents shut down and withdraw. Secure co-parents communicate logistics calmly and trust the schedule. Knowing your style is the first step to changing how you show up.

Key Takeaways

• Dr. Tori Eletto is a licensed therapist in New York City who teaches attachment theory to a broad audience on Instagram as @NYTherapist.
• The four attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. They form in early childhood and shape adult relationships, including co-parenting.
• Attachment style predicts how you react to your ex's behavior, especially around schedule changes, late texts, and conflict.
• Anxious attachment in co-parenting looks like over-texting, over-monitoring, and reading neutral messages as threats.
• Avoidant attachment looks like withdrawal, stonewalling, and refusing to engage on emotional topics.
• Your attachment style is not fixed. Awareness, therapy, and consistent practice can shift it toward earned security.

Reviewed and written by Cindy Weathers, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Two Paths. Cindy specializes in high conflict divorce, co-parenting after betrayal, and helping separated parents build functional partnerships for the sake of their children.

Dr. Tori Eletto is one of the most clear eyed voices in modern therapy on Instagram, where she goes by @NYTherapist. She is a licensed therapist based in New York City, and her specialty is making attachment theory accessible to people who are trying to understand why their relationships keep playing out the same way.

If you have not heard her name, her work draws from John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth's original attachment research, updated for how attachment shows up in modern relationships. And in my practice, I have found her framing especially useful for divorced and separated parents.

Because here is what most people do not realize. Your attachment style did not end with your marriage. It is still active. It is shaping every text you send your ex, every reaction you have to a late pickup, every fight you have over the schedule.

Let me walk you through what that looks like in co-parenting.

A Brief Refresher on Attachment Styles

There are four attachment styles, formed in early childhood based on how reliably your caregivers responded to your needs.

Secure. You learned that people are trustworthy and that your needs are valid. You give and receive love comfortably. You handle conflict directly without spiraling.

Anxious. You learned that love was unpredictable. You scan for signs of withdrawal. You seek reassurance frequently. You over-give to maintain connection.

Avoidant. You learned that depending on others led to disappointment. You handle things yourself. You distance when things get emotional. You go quiet under stress.

Disorganized. You learned that the people who were supposed to be safe were also sources of fear. You want closeness but flinch when it gets close. You can swing between anxious and avoidant patterns.

Most adults are a primary style with secondary tendencies. Stress amplifies whichever style is dominant.

Divorce is one of the most attachment-activating experiences in adult life. Co-parenting keeps that activation going for years.

Anxious Attachment in Co-Parenting

If you have anxious attachment, your co-parenting nervous system is on constant high alert.

You check your phone too often. You read every text from your ex multiple times, looking for the meaning underneath. You feel a spike of panic when they go quiet for too long. You over-explain your scheduling decisions, hoping to head off conflict. You apologize when you have not done anything wrong.

Anxious co-parents are often the ones who send a follow up text within ten minutes of the first one. "Just checking, did you see this?" The original text was completely reasonable. The follow up is anxiety, not poor communication.

The pattern Dr. Eletto often points out is this. Anxious people read withdrawal as rejection. Your ex going silent for an afternoon does not feel like them being busy. It feels like them disappearing. Even when there is no relationship to lose anymore.

What helps if you recognize this pattern. The 24 hour rule. Before you send a follow up, before you spiral, give it 24 hours. Your ex has not disappeared. They are working, parenting, living their life. The silence is rarely about you.

Avoidant Attachment in Co-Parenting

If you have avoidant attachment, your strategy is the opposite. You shut down.

You let texts from your ex sit unanswered for hours or days. You avoid conversations that feel emotional. You handle problems on your own rather than coordinating. You feel a flood of relief when you get to "your week" with the kids because you do not have to engage with your ex for a few days.

Avoidant co-parents are often the ones whose exes accuse them of stonewalling, going dark, or being uncooperative. From the inside, you are just trying to keep yourself regulated. From the outside, it looks like withdrawal.

The pattern Dr. Eletto names is this. Avoidant people deactivate under stress. When emotional intensity rises, you go cold. Not because you do not care. Because caring without distance feels overwhelming.

What helps if you recognize this pattern. The acknowledgment rule. Even if you do not have a real response yet, send one sentence acknowledging the message. "Got this, will get back to you tonight." That single sentence keeps your ex from escalating, gives you time to think, and breaks the silence pattern that high conflict communication thrives in.

When Anxious and Avoidant Co-Parent Each Other

This is the dynamic I see most often in my practice. One ex is anxious, the other is avoidant. And the divorce did not end the dance. It just changed the music.

The anxious co-parent sends a text. The avoidant co-parent does not respond fast enough. The anxious co-parent sends another, more urgent. The avoidant co-parent feels overwhelmed and withdraws further. The anxious co-parent feels abandoned and escalates. By hour 12 of this, both of them think the other one is impossible.

Neither is impossible. They are running the same pattern they ran in the marriage. The fix is not to make the other person change. The fix is to recognize the dance and step out of it.

If you are the anxious one, slow down before you send the second text. The first one was enough.

If you are the avoidant one, send the acknowledgment within four hours, even if it is brief. The silence is what is escalating things.

How Attachment Shows Up in Court and Custody

This is the piece most divorced parents do not see until it bites them.

If your attachment style drives you to over-text your ex, that text history can be read in court as harassment. If your style drives you to go silent for days, that can be read as parental disengagement. Either pattern, taken to the extreme, can hurt your custody case.

This is one reason I share Dr. Eletto's work with my divorcing clients early. Awareness of your own attachment pattern is also legal self protection.

If you recognize that you over-text under stress, our guide on BIFF communication will help you cut every message to the essentials before sending.

If you recognize that you go silent under stress, set a personal rule. Every message from your ex gets a one-line acknowledgment within four hours, no matter what.

Earned Security. The Goal

Here is what Dr. Eletto's work, and attachment research more broadly, makes clear. Your attachment style is not your destiny.

People can move toward what is called "earned security." Not because their childhood changed. But because they did the work to recognize their patterns and consistently respond differently.

For divorced co-parents, this work has compounding benefits. It heals the dynamic with your ex. It models healthier relationships for your kids. And it changes what you bring to your next relationship if you choose to have one.

The work looks like this. Notice the pattern when it activates. Pause before responding. Choose a response that does not match the old reaction. Repeat for years.

Therapy accelerates this work. Especially attachment focused therapy, EMDR for related trauma, or Internal Family Systems. If you are looking for someone to do this work with you, our LMFT co-parenting support pairs you with a licensed therapist who specializes in exactly this.

The Bottom Line

Dr. Tori Eletto's framing of attachment is not new science. But she has made it usable for the people who need it most. Including divorced co-parents who are still running the same dance they ran in the marriage.

Your attachment style shaped your marriage. It is still shaping your co-parenting. And until you can see the pattern, you cannot interrupt it.

If you suspect your ex's attachment style is driving most of your fights, our guide on how to co-parent with someone you can't stand walks through the structures that work even when the other person is not doing this work.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who is Dr. Tori Eletto?

Dr. Tori Eletto is a licensed therapist based in New York City. She is widely known on Instagram as @NYTherapist, where she teaches attachment theory and relationship dynamics to a broad audience. Her work draws from foundational attachment research and modernizes it for adult relationships, dating, and family dynamics.

What are the four attachment styles?

The four attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Secure attachment is the goal state, where you can give and receive love comfortably and handle conflict directly. Anxious attachment involves scanning for rejection and seeking reassurance. Avoidant attachment involves shutting down and withdrawing under stress. Disorganized attachment involves conflicting drives toward and away from closeness.

How does attachment style affect co-parenting?

Your attachment style affects how you react to every interaction with your ex. Anxious co-parents tend to over-text, over-monitor, and spiral when their ex goes quiet. Avoidant co-parents tend to withdraw, stonewall, and avoid emotional conversations. Both patterns create predictable conflict spirals, especially when one parent is anxious and the other is avoidant.

Can your attachment style change?

Yes. Attachment researchers call the change process "earning security." It involves recognizing your default pattern, pausing before reacting, and consistently choosing responses that do not match the old pattern. Therapy, especially attachment focused therapy, EMDR, or Internal Family Systems, can accelerate this work significantly.

What is an anxious-avoidant co-parenting dynamic?

This is when one ex has primarily anxious attachment and the other has primarily avoidant attachment. The anxious partner pursues connection through frequent communication. The avoidant partner deactivates and withdraws under stress. This creates a predictable cycle. The anxious partner pursues harder, the avoidant partner withdraws further, and conflict escalates. The same dynamic that hurt the marriage usually continues into co-parenting unless both parties recognize it.

How do I know my attachment style?

The clearest signal is how you respond to stress in a relationship. If you tend to seek more reassurance, send follow up messages, and feel panicked when someone goes quiet, you are likely anxious. If you tend to go silent, handle things alone, and feel relief when you can disengage, you are likely avoidant. Many free attachment style quizzes are available online. The Adult Attachment Interview, conducted with a trained therapist, is the gold standard assessment.

What can I do today if I have anxious attachment in co-parenting?

Implement the 24 hour rule. Before you send a follow up text to your ex, wait 24 hours. Your ex has not disappeared. They are usually just busy. Most anxious co-parents in my practice find that 80% of their follow up texts were unnecessary once they started waiting. The single biggest behavior change is suppressing the second message.